My heavy heart…

Last August I sent a face book message to my oldest son, Garrett.  Just saying Happy Birthday.  I got no reply, which did not surprise me.  In November, I sent a birthday message to my younger son, Jack.  I did get a reply from him, which did surprise me.  He said he was glad to hear from me, but was not ready for a relationship with me.  I suggested we just talk online once in a while, which he agreed to on the condition that we don’t talk about the past.  So we did talk online, for a few months, up until April 7.

One morning last month, I had just come home from work and so it was probably about 7:30 am.  Jack and I were talking and somehow it got into the past and all the kid wanted was for me to say that I was sorry.  Sorry that things happened the way they did.  The problem is, I am not sorry and I am not going to start lying to my kids now.  There is also the part where there is no agreement on how things actually happened.  I asked Jack if he thought that I had an affair like his father said I did.  He told me that it didn’t matter because I got into a relationship to soon after I left.  Still.  I’m not sorry.

I told my son, I was sick and I was dying.  I needed help and John was the only one there for me.  If it were not for him, I would be dead.  I told him that was why I couldn’t say I was sorry.  So he blocked any conversation with me.

I told my son that his father had treated me so badly, he doesn’t disagree.  He gave me a list of the reasons why I should have left, it’s just the way I did it.  All I did was walk away.  I didn’t ask for anything and I didn’t get anything.  And the excuse for treated me exactly the way his father has is because I got into a relationship to fast.

Excuse me.  I was alone for years in that relationship.  Completely  alone.  I was miserable.  I wanted to die.  I was sick and I was physically dying.  No one cared.  No one was there to help me.  The people I called my friends weren’t there.  My ex-husband certainly wasn’t there for me.  My family wasn’t there for me.  My A.A. group was not there for me.  I will never believe that people couldn’t see what was happening to me and my son saw what was happening to me and now after I leave, I will never have my sons in my life, because I will never say I am sorry.

What I don’t understand is, if Jack knows his father treated me so badly, why doesn’t he care about that?  Why isn’t he angry at his dad and not me?  It doesn’t matter.  The point to the whole thing is that I don’t have my kids in my life and I’m not going to.   I will never reach out to either of them again.

At the same time, my heart aches.  I feel like I lost him all over again.  I think about him constantly.  Maybe once mother’s day passes by things will get better.  But then I don’t really think this has anything to do with mother’s day.  I just miss my sons and it hurts.