Thanks for listening…

It’s times like this, times when some well meaning person tries to give me hope.

“Listen…” he says, “I know, I’m a man and a man always goes look’n for his mama.  Don’t you be surprised if they come knocking on Mother’s Day.”  “Don’t you be surprised.”

It’s times like this, times when some well meaning man tries to give me hope.  Times when it it’s hard to be angry, because anger and hope don’t mix.  But I have to be angry, to keep these times away, when the anger abandons me and all I feel is deep sadness that seems to grow so huge inside of me and it literally brings me to my knees.  Literally, to my knees and the sobs come, because something so unnatural has happened, something ripped from my chest, my heart.

My heart, so heavy without my boys.  So heavy and broken.

And the man, he asked me,  “How many do you have.”

I looked at him and lied.  I said, “I have two.”  but that is a lie.

I have five.

Two sons and three step sons.  They are all the same to me.  And I’ve lost all of them, one by one.  Because that man lied to all of them.  And here is when the anger is supposed to come.  Not one of my kids, not one of the five ever gave me the benefit of the doubt.  Each walked away from me with no explanation.  Never a chance to speak for myself.

I suppose it is him that I should be angry at, their father.  He spoke for me behind my back.  He lied to them and he lied to me.  He manipulated every relationship I had.  But the thing is, anger at him serves no purpose at all.  He is what he is.

Anger at my kids serves a purpose.  It keeps the sadness away.  But sometimes, like now, the anger fails me.

The reason I lied to the man who asked is that he has asked before and when I said I had two sons and three step sons, his response was “So then you have two”  or something to that affect.  I didn’t want to explain anything.

So I think I’ll go fishing.  That is the best thing to do after a long cry, I guess.  Thanks for listening.