Just some thoughts…

When I started my blog, a little over two years ago, I thought I knew what it was going to be about.  Not so much.  I still don’t know to be honest.  I have pretty much come to the conclusion that I don’t know what anything is about anymore.  I have had a strange life, in which most of it I was completely naive.  I still am, just not as much.  I don’t think the world is ever going to be sunshine and roses anymore.  My belief that integrity and honesty is important to most people has been completely shattered.  I no longer believe that I have answers to anything.  I don’t have faith in God anymore.  Does that make me an atheist?  I don’t even know.

Yet with everything that has happened, I am still happier with my life than I have ever been.  Not that it is perfect.  There are things we are working on.  The goals to make our life better financially and what not.  It is my home life that I am happy with.  My relationship with John.  The way that we completely accept each other.

This is not to say that either John or I are easy to deal with.  Quite to the contrary if you ask me.  I can’t really say which one of us is the bigger pain in the ass, but I think we are pretty close.  Well, maybe I am the bigger pain, but that is neither here nor there.

We argue a lot due to the fact that we have a bit of a communication problem.  I speak very literally and John ends his sentences in prepositions.  We can argue the same point for ten minutes before realizing we are saying the same thing in different ways.  Kind of funny actually.

As you may know, John is a landscaper by trade.  He has been doing this for 25 years.  He suffers with arthritis in his back, hips and shoulders.  I don’t know how he goes out and does that job everyday.  He is hoping to find a less physical job in the near future.

Which brings me back to me.  My thoughts I have expressed on wanting to go back to work and get off of disability.  I’ve been going over this in my mind for quite some time and at one point realized that to much of my reason for wanting to work was to prove myself a worthy human being.  I can see now that this would be the worst possible reason for me to get off of disability.

So I had to go over it in my mind some more.  Take out the idea of trying to prove myself to anyone.  This is a serious situation.  If I lose my disability and then can’t work, it could take two years to get it back, if at all.  So I have gone over it, again and again in my mind.  I have put aside trying to prove anything and realistically thought about whether or not this is something I can do.  The answer is yes, I think I can.  However, I am going look into how many hours I can work while on disability.  Take it slow, see how I do, and then take the plunge.