My week…

John and I went out in the kayaks on Sunday, late morning I guess is when we went.  It was beautiful out on the water.  John fished while I paddled around the lake trying to catch up to the birds.  I got on the trail of a Swan, but every time I would catch up to him he would use his wings to get ahead.  My aim was to get him to fly, because they are so enormously beautiful when the fly over you.  However, he was yelling at me the entire time and I guessed that he would sooner than later turn on me.  Besides that my arms were getting tired chasing him around the lake, so I gave up and went back to where John was fishing.  The Swan squawked at me for a bit as I paddled away.

As beautiful as Swans are, who I was really looking for was the Heron.   Where I see the Swan as enormously beautiful, I see the Heron as majestically and structurally beautiful, in a Jurassic sort of way.  The Heron are also more apt to fly when approached than the Swan was.  And when the Heron flies, oh he is a sight to see.  Most of the time though it is best to try to get close and just sit and watch the Heron.  I could watch him just sit for hours if he would stay that long, but inevitably he flies.  I didn’t find the Heron on Sunday.  Perhaps next time.

Those were the relaxing nature moments of my week.  Yesterday morning I watched an old movie called “The Outsiders.”  I don’t remember ever seeing this movie before although I do know it became an instant classic.  I did not expect the movie to be so sad and honestly I wish I hadn’t watched it.  For some reason it made me think of my sons and wonder what they must feel about the way things are, but I have no idea if they even feel anything at all.

That is where my thoughts still have been this morning.  With my sons and other people that are no longer in my life and sometimes I have to wonder, what ever made me so unlovable?

 

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13 thoughts on “My week…

  1. You are right on the money with your “Jurassic” comment about herons. They are a very ancient looking bird. They’re also a symbol of longevity in some cultures. Part of longevity is quality of life. Whenever I get down about things from the past, I try to focus on the things I’m doing now that are better for me and everyone else. That’s easier said than done, but it helps. Keep writing.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hi TC – There is no way that you can ever know what people think about you unless they tell you. Anything else is pure speculation. The questions you need to ask yourself… and think them through very carefully before answering, is “Do I want to know? Is it important to me that I know? Am I prepared for the potential answers?”

    Liked by 2 people

    • There was never any shortage on words from these people that I wasn’t good enough, and the way the treated me was clue enough. Do I need to know anymore than I already know, no I don’t and I won’t. There is no going back.

      Liked by 1 person

      • People who compare others as “good enough” or “not good enough” are not worth thinking about because their perspective is totally self-focused and ignorant. Surround yourself as best you can with people who simply accept you the way you are. Most importantly, you must be happy with who you are. If you are not, then you must determine what needs to change… and get to work! 🙂

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      • I agree. Losing your sons must be a devastating experience however, you still have questions to ask yourself. “Am I going to accept the fact that I have no relationship with my sons and move on with my life, or am I going to explore ways that may perhaps start to regain some form of relationship with them?”
        My personal belief is that there is no “right answer”, but it is really important that you do give yourself an answer that you can accept honestly. I would not want you to reach your later years and think that perhaps something could have been salvaged so many years earlier.

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      • I have already made the decision to move on with my life and have been doing that. Moving on does not mean forgetting and it doesn’t mean the loss doesn’t and won’t affect me. It will always be a part of my life. My love for my sons is never in the past.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Hi TC – I would never question your sense of loss, nor the depth of your love for them. I am trying to be convinced that you are not interested in pursuing other “avenues” with the goal of trying to re-establish some level of mother/son communications. Putting that another way, tell yourself “I have no intention of ever trying to re-establish a relationship with my sons.” Are you are convinced that the statement is an honest one?
        Please note that I do not need to hear your answer. You do not need to respond at all as I am going to step back from the situation, but I would like you to move forward with the confidence that you are not going to look back with regrets later in life. Take care.

        Liked by 2 people

    • That is wonderful! I have never seen a young Heron before. Actually, the thought never entered my mind. I guess I thought they were all old, because they look so much like dinosaurs! I would love to see a baby…

      Liked by 1 person

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