Frozen by time

On April 14th, 1996, I sat in the morning waiting for a phone call.  My son’s Dad said he was going to call at 10am.  He didn’t.  10am came and went, so did 11am.  Of course I was angry.  How could he keep me waiting like this, not that it was a big surprise, which is what angered me more.

At noontime, I decided to go take a nap.  Two hours is long enough to wait for anyone.  As I passed the front door on the way to the stairs, there was a knock on the door.  I answered it and my son’s Grand dad was standing there.

You see, Bobby wasn’t going to be calling again.  Bobby died that morning of a heart attack.  He was 27 years old.  I was in shock and that moment changed my life.  It changed me.

Today is October 23rd, 2016.  John is three hours late coming home.  I am frozen inside.  I feel sick.  I feel as though there is no choice but to remain motionless and wait.  I want to be angry.  “How can you make me wait like this, you know how this makes me feel.”  But I can’t be angry.  Because I am frozen inside.  I can’t worry, because if I do, I will make myself sicker.  My mind is frozen.  I am frozen.  Time is frozen, but the clock is still changing, one number at a time.  Digital red lights tell me a minute has passed.

I lock the door as a signal that I am not waiting anymore.  His punishment for making me wait is that he has to knock.  But I don’t hear a knock and I’m still waiting.  Still frozen inside and the tears stream down my face because I don’t know how to feel, how to feel anything at all, because I’m frozen.

I go outside to smoke a cigarette.  It would be nice to be sitting there when he comes home.  If he comes home.  When he comes home.  If?  I don’t know.  I leave the door unlocked this time.  I will have those moments between hearing the door and seeing him.

He can’t call me.  I have no phone and so I can’t be angry.  I know this customer of his is a pain in the ass.  I know he had other things to do to.  I know it could take this much time.  Anything can happen.  Anything.  Anything.

I’m frozen by anything.

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3 thoughts on “Frozen by time

  1. While your reaction is not surprising based on your history, you really have to let go of such past events before you drive away people around you. You already acknowledge that John has a sound reason for being late, and it was certainly not his fault re Bobby so it would be unreasonable to show any negative emotions when he arrives home.

    Liked by 1 person

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