Summer is almost over and up to this point, not much to report. Sadly, it’s been pretty boring. As you may or may not know, John and I moved in the spring. It was a bit of a set back financially and John has been working a lot to make up for that. Still, when we ever got the chance to go fishing we were at odds with the wind, so we haven’t done much of that.
The kittens are halfway to adults now and so lovable! When I think back to the hissing spitting angry little things they were, I am still in awe. Scout finally came around to me and I remember it was July 30th and he made a big production of marching over to me while I was sitting on my bed. It took until until August 29th for him to come to me when John wasn’t there. That of course was only a couple of weeks ago and since he has become my buddy! He loves to attack my legs when I walk by so in return, I give him a scuffling as I walk by.
As for me, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, over life I mean. I’m still questioning, “What is it all about anyway?” Since my divorce and my more recent final detachment from my family, I find myself wondering a lot of things. I find myself grieving losses that I now know are final. I find myself wondering, “What is a normal life anyway?” I have no idea. I have known a lot of people that live their lives in very different ways. I know people have different kinds of families. Then why do I feel that my situation is so abnormal. People get divorced all the time, but is it always so destructive? Through my own experience and watching other people as well, which I guess I never did before, but I understand why people stay in bad marriages. Who wants to get divorced, it’s like a war. Also a reason why some people might avoid getting married. Can’t get divorced if your not married.
So why do I think my situation is abnormal. I guess it just feels abnormal not to have my sons in my life. I spend a lot of time searching for a way to make that ache in my heart go away. Keep my kids off my mind. Not think about it, not feel it, but I mostly fail to do that. So I keep pushing forward, trying to accept that ache as just part of who I am now. Still, it feels unnatural.
Four years ago I had certain goals I wanted to attain. Such as working on my body to heal from peripheral neuropathy. Get treated for Hepatitis and get myself to the dentist. Well, I accomplished these things, the last of which was this summer at the dentist. Not fun. Really not fun, but necessary and after a couple months of healing I will be all set. In the mean time, I will be doing what I have been doing. Contemplating my own life and where to go from here.
One of my goals for now is to start exercising again to get my strength back to where it was before treatment for Hep C. That I had decided I would start in September. Today is obviously September first and so I started out my day with a walk. After I am finally done with the dentist, the only other goal I have in mind at this point is to get a job. Well, figuring out the meaning of life to, but you know…
I have been going to the library a lot this summer. I hadn’t been to the library in so long and it reminds me of when I was a kid and the library was so intimidating to me. Anyway, if anyone has any suggestions of good books to read, let me know.
Maybe this fall we will get our fishing on.