For the first time in my life, I have people who support me. I am in a relationship with a wonderful man who supports me the way I support him. There is no greed or jealousy. There is no judgment or intimidation. There is love and support and freedom to be. He has taught me how to receive, which may seem a given, but it isn’t. I have never had anyone give of themselves to me the way I give of myself and so I did not know how to accept anything for myself.
Still, a lot of the time I find myself feeling as though I am not doing enough. Then there are those moments when I listen to the words John has said to me before, “You do so much”, but I just don’t see it and then I know it is because he doesn’t expect to much. Caring healthy people don’t expect another person to give so much of themselves that it hurts. It isn’t necessary.
Somehow related to this in my mind is my current financial situation. We are doing fine. The thing is, I am on disability and at some point I would like not to be. I have had a list of goals I wanted to achieve and this was one of them. To work my way off of disability.
I haven’t worked in many years and I would be lying if I didn’t say I am scared. I have gone over this in my mind so many times recently. Of course, if the only reason I have for not doing it is fear, then I really have no choice.
What am I afraid of? I have no idea! That is the funny part. I have a bunch of “What ifs” running around in my head, but I could apply those to anything. “What if I work my way off of disability and then I become disabled again?” “What if I try and I fail?” “What if I get a job and I hate it?” “What if the world ends tomorrow and I never find out?” That would be a bummer!
So in the next couple of weeks, I plan to get a few other things taken care of and then I will be going to the S.S. office to see what I can do.