At times it can be difficult for me to handle my medications.  Because of the damage to my liver I am only on two medications.  Latuda, which I take daily, and Lexapro, and anti -depressant that I only take in the event of depression.  Otherwise, I rely heavily on physical activity and stimulation for my mind.  Numbers help a lot.  Anything with numbers, like playing dice, or doing math.  (I love math.)

The difficulty comes when I am not sure if I am in a depression, or if the feelings I have are a result of intrusive thoughts and nightmares.  It can be harmful for me to take anti-depressants if I am not depressed, as it would send me into a dis-phoric mania.

How do I tell the difference?  Well, it starts with my interest in things I like to do.  If I have none, it is most likely depression.  If I have interest, especially if it is a strong desire to do something I like to do, then I know it is not depression.  I also know it could turn into depression, which scares me.  Of course, being afraid of depression is depressing and so I have to alleviate my fear and simply observe the feelings I am going through.  Are my reactions to things those of a depressed person.  No.

Not now.  Right now and for the past few weeks since that miserable occurrence with my sister, I have been having intrusive thoughts, although no nightmares.  I do wake up thinking about my sons, which I usually do, but it is a stressful feeling recently.  Almost a panic.  Everything that has happened in the past four years is up front in my mind.  My sister wanted to talk about these things and I did talk with her for a few days until I told her no more.

It has become less and less, but this morning I woke up and it was like a tornado in my mind.  It takes me a few minutes to get my bearings then.  Not quite awake, but coming back to reality from some dream I don’t remember.  And I am thinking of my son at this point, my youngest, and my heart is aching and I am angry and I am stumbling to the door to go outside and smoke a cigarette, which invariably makes me sick.  I come back in and sit on the couch, but it’s misery, so I go back to bed and let myself cry.

And then is the reprieve.  Like grief, coming in waves. Is that what it is?  Grief?

I miss my sons.


Bi-Polar, ADHD, PTSD



6 thoughts on “Difficult…

  1. Regardless of the complications due to your various conditions and meds, it would be quite “normal” to miss having a relationship with your sons (and family and friends). I can only encourage you to mentally focus on the positives in your life, and to keep an open mind about the future.

    You have done so well since blogging that you should pat yourself on your back. You have a relationship with John which, based on my son’s constant challenges in that area (he is Bi-P and PTSD), you should be pleased about. You tried to salvage a relationship with your sister, but her problems were clearly greater than yours… but you tried. As for the future? One never knows what will happen. 10 years ago you would have never guessed at the support you would be getting from all sorts of places (bloggers)!

    Take care Trae. Keep smiling 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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