I don’t talk much like I used to. It used to be that you couldn’t get a word in edge wise with me. I don’t know what happened. Time gone by, time spent alone, time spent in nature. Time. I guess it changes everything.
It isn’t that I don’t have anything to say. I have a lot to say. I have all these thoughts and emotions that I can’t seem to get out. I don’t talk about them because it upsets people. I have thought of going to a therapist, but I really don’t like them. Well, I know there is at least one I don’t like. As a matter of fact I have a certain dislike for the man. Ok, fine, there is more than one I don’t like. I have a dislike for quite a few actually. I guess I haven’t had much luck. This is the thing. If you want to teach me about life because you’ve spent the last few years of your life in a cushy classroom learning it out of a book, I’m not interested. I am not your guinea pig, juvenile experiment or your friend. (I am also not your daughter.)
So I am sitting here trying to think what it is and the only thing I can come up with is crisis mode. You know, when your in a crisis and you are fine, but when the crisis is over, that is when you fall apart? It’s something like that.
I spent over three years living in the Hero’s room with John. We made the best of what we had and kept a good attitude about it. Now that it’s over, now that we moved a week and a half ago, I have all these thoughts and emotions and I need to express them. Mostly it’s anger and I know how petty it sounds, but it really bothers me that that woman wanted to raise our rent. Not so much because it was my rent, but the reality that the place wasn’t worth what we were paying.
Ok, here is the thing. I have had a lot of people live in my home. A lot of those times out of necessity for them. We never charged them rent at all, which I know is stupid, but that isn’t the point. Rent has nothing to do with it really. The point is when you have people living in your house, you need to make sacrifices. Most people who rent rooms also use the kitchen and bathroom as needed. We did not use the kitchen for the most part and when we did it was never when they needed it and always left cleaner than when we got there. The bathroom, I offered to help clean and the woman moved into the downstairs bathroom, leaving me to clean the upstairs bathroom myself while sharing it with three men, one of which was her boyfriend and believe me, not a considerate person.
Basically what I am saying is that I lived in my room, period. Weeks went by without so much as seeing these people. So I am thinking she must have come to the realization that people charge more for some rooms. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but not that room and not in that house. I guess who I am really angry at is myself. I feel guilty because I am enjoying that fact that she blew it! She thought John and I had no choice and she was greedy. She didn’t care if we ate or not, as long as she could go get her hair done and she blew it! Does this make me a bad person?
Does it make me a bad person if I feel the need to say… It feels really good to be able to use the bathroom without worrying that some disgusting vile man is going to walk in. It feels really good to know that if I knock on the bathroom door, even though it is slightly open, if someone is there they will answer me instead of letting me open the door and see things I would rather not. It also feels good to know no one is going to be running around the house naked because they are oblivious to other people.
It makes me feel incredibly good not to have to avoid the most unapproachable, rude, selfish woman I have ever met in my life. Bar none. Someone so pitiful that they felt the need to antagonize the woman living in her house in order to make herself feel better. I am grateful I never reacted. It seems to work out much better just living your own life while raising an eyebrow. The sad part is, it really bothers me that people are like that and I keep looking for the good ones because I want my faith in humans to be restored. But it has been, hasn’t it, or I wouldn’t be writing this with the idea that someone is going to care what I had to say.
This brings me to the things I am most grateful for at this point in my life. John of course is at the top of my list. There are Sally and Claire, two wonderful friends. The time that I did spend in the original Hero’s room. It gave me time to know myself and grow in a very intense way. Now I am grateful that when I wake up in the morning the other woman in the house is my sister Joan. I don’t know anyone more caring and giving than her. Not to mention she is funny! She talks a lot, like I used to. She says it’s because she spends a lot of time alone. Really?
Anyway, there was a blizzard yesterday. John went out to plow at 7 yesterday morning. He should be back here in the next two hours. That is somewhere around 25 hours in the plow truck for him. He will be tired and sore and probably sleep for 12 hours.
John and I have come alive in the winter since we moved. I have baked cookies twice and cooked dinner for everyone a couple of times. My sister walks around chanting,”Cook Tracey, cook!” So we have had oatmeal cookies, chocolate chip cookies, a pork roast and some pasta with meat sauce.
I forgot to mention my brother-in-law Ron. “The Big Guy”. He and my sister got married 32 years ago, so he is more like a brother to me. I was only fourteen years old then. He is a very intimidating person because of his size, and he has a heart of gold. Also my nephew Josh. He is a very sweet man and he and I watched t.v. together last night. It is a t.v. series they made of a book series that I had read and then given to him when he was a kid. It is really good. It is called the Shannara Chronicles. Don’t ask me what channel, I don’t normally watch t.v. and I don’t think I would be able to turn the thing on by myself! To many remotes and gadgets to finagle with. I haven’t turned a t.v. on for myself since 9/11. I guess that is part of my defiance. That was not something I wanted to see.
One more thing to be grateful for, Halo doesn’t have to be a stowaway anymore! Oh yes, that reminds me. My sister has three dogs and two cats. John is thrilled to have the cats around. I am more of a dog person myself, although Halo is just fine for me.