Difficulty writing… Help?

Since the loss of my sons three years ago, I have prepared myself for the feelings that come with the holidays. Leaving home to go visit with family, I then expected it to be a terrible time. Each time I was wrong. Each time I had a good time with good people.

Yesterday being Thanksgiving, I did not prepare myself for hard emotions at all. My experience with John’s family had been so pleasant that I looked forward to it without concern. I need to accept that this is a mistake for me. Being prepared for emotional upheaval does not mean I can’t have a good time, as a matter of fact I do have a good time. Yesterday I did not.

Unexpectedly, those feelings came crashing in on me and I panicked not knowing how to handle it. I had to leave and the rest of the night was for the most part spent waiting to stop crying.

I don’t like to talk about crying. I don’t like it all. That’s life, because there are a lot of things I don’t like, but the answer is acceptance.

I will never be who I was. Truth is I don’t know that I really was anyone for a very long time. I was a ghost in the shadow of someone else for so long I didn’t recognize myself anymore.

It has been interesting and wonderful getting to know myself again. However, there has to come acceptance for who I am now in order to love myself. I can not ever hope to be a person that has not had my experiences of abuse and loss. The fact is it changes you as a person. It doesn’t make you less, or more, just different.

I have been having a hard time writing for a while and I believe it has to do with confidence in my words. Not wanting to be a disapointment because I say there are difficult times.

Happiness is not a constant state. I see happiness as moments. Some solitary moments, some strung together, all to be gratful for. All worth living for. I see the hard times as something that makes me capable of gaining happy moments from the smallest of things. It does not bring me to a place of misery and emptiness, it brings me to a place where my moments are easily found.

Yes, lately I struggle every day to write. For a couple of weeks I even thought if I stopped trying it would just happen, but it didn’t. So I am here to whine to you. Maybe someone has some thoughts on how to get the words out.

 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Difficulty writing… Help?

  1. As you noted, happiness is not a constant state; if it were, I doubt it would mean much to us; writing is similar; sometimes it’s there, which is great; sometimes it’s not, which is okay. Writer’s block is a common thing; it’s horribly frustrating, and the more we try and gnaw away on the problem, the worse it grows. Sometimes it’s useful to write something you have no intention of anyone else seeing. Or to just try and not write at all; you’ll get your voice back.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I often wonder what I will come up with next, if anything. I try to think of something and if nothing comes to mind, I just leave it alone for a while. I might just get down one sentence and try to build from there. Sometimes this works, and sometime not.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s