Since the loss of my sons three years ago, I have prepared myself for the feelings that come with the holidays. Leaving home to go visit with family, I then expected it to be a terrible time. Each time I was wrong. Each time I had a good time with good people.
Yesterday being Thanksgiving, I did not prepare myself for hard emotions at all. My experience with John’s family had been so pleasant that I looked forward to it without concern. I need to accept that this is a mistake for me. Being prepared for emotional upheaval does not mean I can’t have a good time, as a matter of fact I do have a good time. Yesterday I did not.
Unexpectedly, those feelings came crashing in on me and I panicked not knowing how to handle it. I had to leave and the rest of the night was for the most part spent waiting to stop crying.
I don’t like to talk about crying. I don’t like it all. That’s life, because there are a lot of things I don’t like, but the answer is acceptance.
I will never be who I was. Truth is I don’t know that I really was anyone for a very long time. I was a ghost in the shadow of someone else for so long I didn’t recognize myself anymore.
It has been interesting and wonderful getting to know myself again. However, there has to come acceptance for who I am now in order to love myself. I can not ever hope to be a person that has not had my experiences of abuse and loss. The fact is it changes you as a person. It doesn’t make you less, or more, just different.
I have been having a hard time writing for a while and I believe it has to do with confidence in my words. Not wanting to be a disapointment because I say there are difficult times.
Happiness is not a constant state. I see happiness as moments. Some solitary moments, some strung together, all to be gratful for. All worth living for. I see the hard times as something that makes me capable of gaining happy moments from the smallest of things. It does not bring me to a place of misery and emptiness, it brings me to a place where my moments are easily found.
Yes, lately I struggle every day to write. For a couple of weeks I even thought if I stopped trying it would just happen, but it didn’t. So I am here to whine to you. Maybe someone has some thoughts on how to get the words out.