Defiance in myself…

In high school I always did my best to do my book reports from the flap on the back of the book.  Sadly, I would quietly refuse to read the assigned books and my reports showed it.  After I left school, (prior to graduating) I read every book I had previously refused to read.  The fact is, I have always loved to read, just don’t tell me what to read.

I am not really sure why I started out so defiant, but I have found myself many years later struggling with the same issues.  I could say that I never understood what defiance was, nor had anyone pointed it out to me, I simply was defiant.  Hard to work on something you don’t know exists.

It was a little over three years ago the first time I heard someone say the words to me, “You are doing this out of defiance.”    It was John that said those words to me when I refused to eat and I sat for ten minutes soaking in the idea.  Not only was I soaking in the idea, I found myself making the grand decision of whether to admit this or not.  Either starve, or eat.  This should not be a difficult decision at all, but it hung there in front of me.

I haven’t had issues with eating since that day.  I have also been working on being able to tell myself what to do without an argument.  It’s been difficult, but I have made a lot of progress.

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8 thoughts on “Defiance in myself…

  1. Defiance has it’s place, but I think it’s wonderful that you have someone who could so quickly point out that defiance is not to be directed toward your well-being, and that you grasped that so quickly.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Good for you Trae. Part of defiance may possibly be a reaction to a perceived lack of control over ones life. i.e. You take every opportunity to exert yourself, even when it is not very logical! This is, to me, not much different from a typical “attitude” (expressing oneself); argumentative (impressing ones point regardless of logic). There is a large % of the population who do this and, as I understand it, is a by product of our culture which pretty much controls us. What does this mean to you? I would suggest that you are not unusual in your defiance. You just need to rationalize logically until you have more control over your reactions.

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