In high school I always did my best to do my book reports from the flap on the back of the book. Sadly, I would quietly refuse to read the assigned books and my reports showed it. After I left school, (prior to graduating) I read every book I had previously refused to read. The fact is, I have always loved to read, just don’t tell me what to read.
I am not really sure why I started out so defiant, but I have found myself many years later struggling with the same issues. I could say that I never understood what defiance was, nor had anyone pointed it out to me, I simply was defiant. Hard to work on something you don’t know exists.
It was a little over three years ago the first time I heard someone say the words to me, “You are doing this out of defiance.” It was John that said those words to me when I refused to eat and I sat for ten minutes soaking in the idea. Not only was I soaking in the idea, I found myself making the grand decision of whether to admit this or not. Either starve, or eat. This should not be a difficult decision at all, but it hung there in front of me.
I haven’t had issues with eating since that day. I have also been working on being able to tell myself what to do without an argument. It’s been difficult, but I have made a lot of progress.