Cracking my head open, in State of Mind…

I wish I could crack open my head and take out all these memories of you and the things that you said to me.  Those words that linger in my mind, your lips dripping with arrogance as you held me in contempt prior to investigation.

But there was no investigation.  I was held to scrutiny with no facts from reality at all and I stand here hoping that when I open my eyes your voice will leave me and I won’t remember you at all.

I thought you were so strong, independent, the kind of person to think for yourself, but I forgot one thing.  Your mind is so closed and your words they hurt me, broke my heart to hear from you when I was your friend and I didn’t understand and you wouldn’t stop and I silently begged you to stop.

But I open my eyes and even though you aren’t standing there, you never will be, I remember and I feel sad and I feel angry and I feel confused and I wonder sometimes, do you think about me at all, my friend.  My old friend.

I thought we would grow to be old woman together, calling each other on the phone, visiting for tea, but that won’t be happening and I look back and think, “Was I blind?”

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9 thoughts on “Cracking my head open, in State of Mind…

  1. Good story…and wouldn’t it be nice to have the power to….. “take out all these memories of you and the things that you said to me” ….when someone does you wrong? It would be a sure way to keep them from taking up space in your memory bank!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Perhaps it is good to have such active memories, because they are readily available for when you have the time and inclination to perform an “autopsy” on the circumstances. Perhaps your friend was completely wrong and lost a real friend, in which you can feel sadness for what they “threw away.” Perhaps they were very misguided by ignorance, in which case you can feel sorrow for their poor judgement. At some point in time, you should be able to put it into a healthy perspective and forgive your friend. It is important to remember that “forgiveness” is NOT saying that everything is now ok. Forgiveness is simply saying that you will not let your feelings be affected by it any more. If you can reach that state, those memories will fade into history.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I am trying to get there, although it seems harder to do when I really don’t know why. Was she misguided, yes she was and she did lose a very good friend. Did I lose a good friend? I don’t know because I don’t know what made her act that way and asking her got me absolutely no where.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Trae: Perhaps you will never know why she reacted in such way. There are many things in life that I would like to understand, but many of them I just have to accept for what they are and move on to more productive and personally rewarding thinking. Perhaps you are reaching that point? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

      • Trae: Using your “fence” analogy. It doesn’t matter whether you leap frog it; climb over it, push through it, or tunnel under it. The important thing is that you get on the other side of it for that is where you must be. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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