John and I rent a room together in a New England colonial style house in suburbia. Although I haven’t always felt this way, it is a pretty nice place to live. Not having a vehicle for the first two years clearly left me feeling stranded and trapped a lot of the time. I was also in a very chaotic place in my mind. As the chaos has dissipated and I am working on learning to relax without stressing myself over what might befall me next, suburbia doesn’t look the same.
I guess what I am trying to say is that I finally feel that I am at home here. I finally feel as though the dust has settled. I finally feel like I can move on with my life. I finally feel free to just be.
I fought so hard for this. I fought so hard just to have days in my life where I could feel at peace. I fought hard to have a life I wanted to live. Just being alive should be good enough. No one should ever be in a situation where being alive is a chore.
John has had his fight as well. He was previously in an abusive relationship. His having been through what I went through made him capable of seeing what was happening, so when no one else was there, he held his hand out to me.
We call this the Hero’s room because he is my hero and he says that I am his hero too. It can be difficult for two grown adults to have everything they own in one room. It puts a whole new spin on purging. It has been a real struggle, feeling overwhelmed with the organization that is needed to live in a room. I am not great at that. After some time though, you learn what you need and what you don’t. You would be surprised how little you actually need to survive while enjoying life at the same time.
I admit the first two years I was here, the place was a mess. In my defense, it was a mess when I got here. Honestly, I had to much going on in my mind to be able to focus on anything. For the past six months I have getting rid of anything I don’t need to live, decorating the room and organizing. It has taken some time. I don’t have a really big budget for decorating. I don’t have a really big budget for anything!
The point to this, the outside usually looks like the inside. If you are a mess on the inside, the outside will show it. Either your surroundings, your attitude or your health, but it will show. So for me, the fact that the outside is getting better is only because the inside is getting well. My health got better, then my attitude and now my surroundings.
Time. John has been saying that word to me for three years. I have hated the word “time” less and less as time has actually gone by and I have seen that it was true. As I worked on things and time went by, things got better.
I am grateful today.