At a loss…

I am truly at a loss.  I would almost like to say that it is because I have nothing to say, only that is not the problem.  The problem seems to be that I have way to much to say and the longer I don’t write, the more I have to say and it isn’t all that good.

It isn’t that there isn’t anything good to say, it is more a case of good things don’t usually come up as emotional vomit, laced with venom, if you understand.

My goal to start with was to find some balance for myself.  Some place in the middle between naïve and trusting, and cynical and distrusting.   That does not seem to be happening.

I found myself out looking for people that would restore my faith in humanity.  Apparently I was looking in the wrong places.

I am not sure if people are aware of this or not?  The fact is, if you feel the need to exercise any amount of control over another adult human being, if you feel the need to make someone else feel less than to feel good about yourself, the fact that the majority of the population is more like you than I previously would have believed does not make you anymore attractive to me at all.

I still find these character traits to be just as distasteful if not more so than before.  It causes me to have two thoughts running through my mind on a much to frequent basis.

First thought is, “What the actual fuck?” and second thought would be, “Get the fuck away from me!”

It’s sad, really.  Now I am just pondering where it is I can go to see people actually do something kind for another person with no thought of what is in it for them.

Ideas would be welcome.



9 thoughts on “At a loss…

  1. You should understand everybody has a motive to do something……… even volunteering. I volunteered once in a specialised area and (with a few others) was asked what we expected to get from it. The answer “nothing” was a request to leave. Their (psychologists/psychiatrists) only wanted volunteers who had some grasp of their own functionality. The correct answer was in the area of “personal satisfaction of being able to help.” The saying “The giver always gets” really is true.

    Many people have self-esteem issues and one of the ways they cope is to try and bring you down. The rationale is quite simple. They are at a very low point in their life. If they can bring you down to below their level, then (by a perverse comparison) it makes them feel better.

    A couple of thoughts. The next time somebody puts you down, just feel sorry for them and excuse yourself. They are probably dealing with a horrendous childhood, emotional/sexual abuse. a wasted time in their lives. Regardless, it has nothing to do with you so you just extract yourself from the situation. Remember that people only have as much power/control over you as you give them.

    As for good people? Go and volunteer at a shelter, or soup kitchen, or other area that assists people who have run out of resources (and probably friends). Most of us understand these services are necessary and why ………. but if you actually volunteered at one, I can guarantee you an education, and you’ll meet people who are also of a giving nature. All the best in your search. 🙂


    • Thank you so much for you response. I did go to volunteer at the senior center last summer. I was there myself for the satisfaction of doing for others. After a week I began asking the other volunteers why they were there and the answers I got were mostly for something to do. It was not a good experience for me. I could not handle working with volunteers that did not like the seniors, or each other. The negativity level was more than I could handle.
      Those situations that you mentioned people having to deal with. I deal with those issues myself and I simply don’t find it as an excuse for myself to intentionally drag someone else down. I do understand what you are saying though.
      I am simply at a point where I have been shown way to much hurt over harmony. Also, this is not just about people treating me this way, I don’t want to see them do it to anyone else either. At this point it is pretty hard for a person to treat me that way, I have been walking away from people like that for the past three years of my life and the fact seems to be that if I am not willing to take shit from people, I end up spending my time alone. Personally, I would rather be alone by myself.
      Also in the past three years, I have gone to other places looking for volunteer positions. I have also put the word out with anyone and everyone that I know personally that if they know anyone in need of anything, shoveling in the winter, raking in the summer, walk their dog, go shopping for them, read to them, anything.
      No such luck. It seems that not only do people behave this way, they expect me to want something in return and refuse help for that reason.
      I think I need some unconventional idea. After all, I was never very conventional before, why start now.


      • Are you perhaps expecting too much? I know that was my problem and I resolved it by having a very limited social life; very few “real” friends, but a lot of time to myself. I think I adjusted very well in that I value my personal time and am very happy doing what I do. I expect very little from anybody else and so every now and then I am pleasantly surprised. Just a thought. 🙂


    • Here is the only example I can give you of what I do expect that you already know for yourself. You responded to my post, gave your opinion and wished me well. I don’t expect anymore than that to show you care about other people. As a matter of fact there are a lot of bloggers that show they care. Just like the real world though, there are ones that show something else.
      I posted this because of the bloggers that care, and in spite of the ones that have hurtful things to say so that maybe someone could give me an idea of something I haven’t already tried. I am looking for more good to balance out what I have seen in people because it is what I need right now.
      Hopefully, I will be able to find for myself, or through someone else, something that I haven’t already tried. Thanks again…

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Maybe not as lost… | tripleclicka

  3. Have you considered doing volunteer work? A girlfriend and I just got involved in an organization that helps provided medical aid to children badly injured due to war, natural disasters and other circumstances. The 3 staff members (one is the founder) are really down-to-earth people and don’t seem in it for an ulterior motive.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for the suggestion. I am sure there are other places that would be a better experience. Haven’t been able to find any in my area though. In the long run, I would like be a volunteer for Hospice. I just don’t think I should start that before I know that I am ready. It is to important to me to set myself up for failure. Going to have to go with baby steps, just lack patience…

      Liked by 1 person

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